


(Not So) Happy Valentine's Day America!

by orphan_account



Category: Hetalia: Axis Powers
Genre: Hetalia, Most of the conversations are over the phone, Other, Presents!, Valentine's Day, and Tony - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-11-27
Updated: 2014-11-27
Packaged: 2018-02-27 05:44:57
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,001
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2681330
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>America decides to spend Valentine's Day cleaning his basement with Tony, in which Russia comes over and states that he is going to spend the day with America, who secretly asks himself why Russia had to pull bullshit today.</p><p>IMPORTANT! This work is really old and NEEDS to be EDITED, (which I don't know when I'll be able to do so), so PLEASE don't mind the GRAMMATICAL MISTAKES, for all WILL be CLEARED and CLEANED up!</p>
            </blockquote>





	(Not So) Happy Valentine's Day America!

America groaned as he got out of bed and put on Texas, his glasses.. From the start he knew it was going to be a bad day. It was Valentine's Day... A day America hated for a lot of reasons. No! He wasn't jealous of all those couples! Of course not! He was AMERICA for fuck's sake and he could have anyone he wanted... Everyone loved him! So America decided he would make this holiday an early spring, winter or whatever the hell it was, cleaning... Tony, his alien friend, had already decided to get the boxes of junk out their basement. Twenty or more boxes were now in his living room.. Some said things like,  **GARDEN SHIT** and  **WORLD WAR 2 SHIT...** Some even said  **NAUGHTY SHIT FROM OVER THE YEARS**... Another reason America came up with this idea of holiday cleaning is so he wouldn't waddle himself in self pity for not having a date..

_England probably has three or four dates, not counting his fairy ones... And France most likely has seventeen at one time! Why the fuck do all my American girls fall for shitheads like them?!_

_Oh! That's right! Because they have a FUCKING ACCENT! That's the only fucking reason! Some of them even turn beret red just listening to England's fucking limey accent! It's even worst with France! Some of them get fucking AROUSED! George, if your listening to me, up in Heaven..do you think you could send some help? No answer, huh? You think that's fucking funny! Sorry for yelling Mr. Washington, i didn't mean too-..._

"What the fuck are you doing?" Tony asked... America realized that he was standing on his couch, with his fist in the air.. He blushed and got off the couch.

"Hahaha! Nothing Tony!" He replied awkwardly... Tony walked away, most likely getting more stuff from the basement. _I won't let that get to me! Because i'm the hero who's going to get the basement clean today! Hah! Take that England and France! You asses!_

America snapped himself out his thoughts and started making a pile of stuff for throwing away... About five minutes later, their was a knock at his door..  _YES! It's probably some hot girls!_ America thought to himself.. America ran to the door and opened it, only to find...Russia? America's facial expressions changed from disappointment to confusion and finally, anger...

"Russia! What the fuck are you doing here today? No! What the fuck are you doing here at all?" America shouted as he tried to push Russia out his house..

"I wanted to visit you, my dear comrade..." Russia replied with a creepy smile on his face..

"Cut the bullshit commie! Why are you really here?"

"Amerika, how many times do i have to tell you, I am no longer Communist..."

"Okay, whatever! That doesn't explain why your here!"

"Seeing that everyone else is annoyed by your presence and would spend this holiday away from you, I decided that I would come and visit you..."

"Asshole! Anyway, Tony and i are winter/spring clean and shit like that soyoucanjustleaverightnow!"

"America, i did not understand what you just said, could you repeat yourself?"

"GET..THE...HELL..OUT...OF..MY...HOUSE...RIGHT...NOW!"

"That is no way to treat your guests America." Russia said as sat down on America's couch..

"Your not a fucking guest! Now go away or fuck China or do something that's not here!"

"Tsk, Tsk, America what would give you the idea that I was having a sexual relationship with YaoYao~?"

"Um...well...Your kinda like China's stalker and you follow him around, dressed as Shinatty-Chan... You also-HEY! You're trying to distract me so you can make a evil plot to kill me!" Russia sighed at the younger nation's comment...

"Amerika, you are too paranoid.. It is quite pathetic at times, but it is also quite amusing.."

"I have a right to be! You could be planning evil commie stuff at all times!"

"Amerika i am no longer communist.."

"Whatever. Just, please get out of my house... Tony and i have a lot of stuff ta do today...sogetthefuckoutofmyhouse." America was getting annoyed...  _What the fuck is this guy's problem!? Why won't he get the fuck out!?_

"I could help you and Mr. alien..." Russia replied.

"No! J-just get out! I mean, what is your problem!? Why won't you leave!?"

"I have no problem America... I already told you that i was going to spend this day with you.. But, i should have remember that your not keen on listening."

"Well, I don't wanna spend the day with you, so LEAVE!" America glared as Russia still sat on the couch..

"You know what? J-just sit on the fucking couch and don't bother Tony and I... OK?"

"Okay, comrade..."  _For now..._

America went back to looking in boxes and throwing stuff away. Tony put more boxes in the living room. On them were written  **CREEPY SHIT JAPAN GIVES ME, REVOLUTION STUFF** and  **COLD WAR SHIT..** America was busy with other boxes, so Russia decided that he would 'help' his comrade with the new ones.. First, he opened up the  **CREEPY SHIT JAPAN GIVES ME** box.. There was buttplugs, dildos, vibrators, cockrings, lube (even Sunflower scented) and any foreplay costume money could buy...  _Now, why would Japan give America all this stuff? Surely Amerika is still a virgin..._ Russia thought as he put the stuff back into the box and put it by the basement door..

"Hey! What's in that box! It better not be bombs!"

"Нет Amerika, it is not bombs..."

"It's one bomb instead of many!"

"Amerika, there are no bombs..."

"Ok, than what is it?"

"It is your sex toys.."

"W-w-what?!" America blushed crimson..  _How did he find those!? TONYYYYY! "_ Wait! I told you to sit down on the fucking couch and not to bother Tony and I!"

"Amerika, i was not bothering you until you noticed me trying to help you..."

=.= "Y-you were trying to help...?"

"Да ~.."

"Ok, i guess you can help.."

"Here's the paper for speed dile.."

_Mattie: 1_

Japan: 2

_England/Iggy Brows: 3_

_France~: 4_

PrUsSiA: 5

_**SOUTH KOREA: 6** _

_**Italy~: 7** _

Spain 'n grumpy tomato guy/Lovino: 8

**MEXICO, BITCHES!: 9**

"I need you to call Mattie and ask him if he wants some sex toys... Please don't screw this up... OK, Russia.."

"Okay, America.." Russia replied.. Russia hit the number 1, the phone rung a few times then Canada picked up..

_"Ahhhh! P-p-prussia sto-o-p! O-oh!"_

_"Kessse nope!_ _Just keep talking Birdie~." A groan was heard from the phone._

_"Um, hi Al..."_

"Good morning comrade Canada~." Russia was trying not to laugh, he had called Canada during sex~.

_"Oh fuck! Russia...is that you? What are you doing at my brother's house, i thought he hated you..."_

_"Birdie, who's on the phone?"_

_"RUSSIA! You idiot, why did you make me answer the phone?"_

"I am helping comrade Alfred with his holiday cleaning.. He asked me to call you and ask if you wanted sex toys..."

_"What? How?" Canada gave his boyfriend the phone..._

_"Yo! Does Al have any dildos?"_

"Да, He does~!" Russia let out a soft giggle, This was so much fun~!

_"Ok, we'll take three! All different sizes please~!" The Albino was trying not to laugh. Who would have thought Russia would pick up the phone and give away dildos~!_

"Have a nice day comrades. Tell Matvey not to get himself too sore, the next world meeting is in two days~."

_The ex-nation couldn't take it anymore and he burst out laughing... "Keesse! Bye!" He said as he hung up, still laughing his ass off.._

Russia smirked. This day was more pleasant than he anticipated~. "Amerika, Matvey and Gilbert would like three dildos~."

At that moment, America spit out the coffee he was drinking and shouted... "Prussia's fucking my brother!"

"Да, it is good for Matvey~!"

"I didn't need to hear that." America replied as he held his nose and ran to the bathroom...  _Dang it! I'm just as bad as Japan! Getting nosebleeds over thoughts that should not be voiced... Pull it together America, remember that the commie is still here in your house and that he's by himself...BY HIMSELF! Shit..._ America ran out the bathroom to find Russia eating a sandwich! Wait.. Russia eating a sandwich? How the hell did he get a sandwich! America spotted Tony, who was about to leave the room..

"Tonyyyy! Did you give  _him_ the sandwich?"

Tony blinked, then nodded.

"How could you?"

"No! He's not a guest! Because he entered by force, damnit!"

Russia noticed that the Alien had not said a word, but America was talking to him like he was speaking... After America finished talking, Tony left the room, to do whatever it is that aliens do..

"Amerika.."

"Hmm.. What?"

"You can understand Mr. Alien...?"

"Well yeah! I wasn't talking to myself just a minute ago!"

"He can speak English?"

"Yeah, but he likes to swear instead of talking..."

"Mr. Alien did not swear this time?"

"Oh, he thought you'd be shocked by the swears taking up most of the words in his sentences.."

"I see.."

"Russia.."

"Yes, Amerika."

"Why are you still here..?"

"We went over this already Amerika, i am her-

"I know! I know! Because you wanted to annoy the hell out of  _ **someone**_ on this holiday."

"That is not what i said Amerika."

"Whatever.."  _He's such an asshole..._

"Amerika, since you are a simple minded creature, I will ask you this very slowly... What interests you?"

"What?" Was all America could say. He was expecting some raging insult or a commie mind trick, but a question about what interests him? This had to be part of Russia's plan to confuse him, knock him out and torture him in his evil Russia torture lair, basement, lab-thingy! Or, this could just be a big pile of bullshit...

Both options sucked balls, but one was bound to be better than the other, at least, he hoped so. He might as well give it a try.

"I like to play video games, watch scary movies, gardening with Tony, like growing flowers and produce, playing sports, scenery, riding horses, sunsets, sunrises, full moons, hanging out with Tony, running around the states, shit like that..." America said, turning his face away. This was so embarrassing! Why did he tell Russia all these things? It must have been a commie mind trick. Wait, he was trying to see what would happen if he did. Damn himself.

"Really? I thought you were only limited to the first two things. I did not think something as stupid as yourself could do the other things on your list. It seems like your brain has  _sprouted_ from the state in was in. See, I used a garden reference to make a joke~."

"I'm dreaming... I'm still in my bed, sleeping... Tony is trying to wake me up, but i'm somehow stuck in this nightmare." America stated, pinching himself really hard.

"No Amerika... You are not dreaming. I really am here~." Russia remarked. At his words, America began to scream at the top of his lungs and run up stairs, not looking back. He ran into his room, closed the door and took out his cell phone. He  **had** to get help. The phone rung a few times, before someone finally answered.

_"Yes... What the hell bloody do you want?"_

"Iggy! I need your help! Russia's out to get me!"

_"Git... We've been over this. The world meeting is not for a few weeks, and Russia is probably in his country, trying to grow sunflowers with no success."_

"No! Iggy, listen to me! Russia is at my house! He...he won't leave me alone. Please! Please come and help me!"

 _"Git...are you kidding? You're not actually being serious, right?"_  England questioned, though his 'motherly' instincts were flaring up.

"No.. I'm not Iggy! Y-y-you've gotta... Y-y-you've gotta help me... Please!"

_A sigh was heard from the other line "G-give me second, okay?"_

"OK. J-j-ust, **please**  h-hurry!" America pleaded. It was only a few minutes afterward that he heard England's voice again.

_"America... I'm sorry."_

"W-what? W-w-why?"

_"All the flights are full, and the traffic is very heavy in the area i'm in, so I won't be there for a couple of hours."_

"What! I could be in the grave by the time you arrive!"

_"I'm trying git! I'm trying..." England yelled, though his voice was getting softer and quieter._

"Iggy... J-just remember to bury in my garden, okay?"

_"Yes. I mean, what! Stop being dramatic! You never told me you had a garden! Maybe we could share ti-" The connection was cut off._

"Iggy..." America said meekly. He didn't want to die. He didn't want to be commie-nized. He had to get help. He had to find someone... Who did he know besides Iggy, who could get here quickly.

Franny!

America quickly dialed the number, and was immediately answered.

_"_ _Bonsoir_ _." A woman's voice greeted._

"France?" America questioned. In French, the woman told America to hold on for a second, as she went to get France.

 _She's probably one of France's valentines._  America thought. He waited for what seemed like an eternity (though it was only a minute and a half) until he finally heard France's voice.

_"_ _Bonsoir Amérique!_ _"_

_Damnit!_  America thought to himself. Why did France had to chose this day, of all days, to speak in French to him?

"C'est m-matin ici.." America stated, though that didn't calm down France's flamboyant mood.

_"_ _Bonne Saint-Valentin! Que puis-je faire pour vous?_ _"_

"F-France .. J'ai besoin de votre aide.."

_"_ _Oh! J'ai toujours su que ce jour viendrait! Vous voulez poser Big Brother France pour l'aide avec amour!_ _"_

"N-non! Je veux dire comme, je suis dans le pétrin! La Russie est venue me chercher!"

_"_ _Calmez-vous mon cher, la réunion du monde n'est pas pour quelques semaines, vous avez-_ _"_

"Non! C'est ce que dit Iggy! La Russie est dans ma maison! Il est dans ma putain de maison! Il essaie de me faire! Vous avez obtenu de m'aider! S'il vous plaît!"

_"_ _Très bien. Calmez-Amérique. Prenez de grandes respirations."_

"France is right comrade. Calm down.." Said a new voice in the room. The voice made America jump, making him fall off his bed. He cursed at falling, then proceeded to get up and point his gun in Russia's direction.

"What the fuck? What the flying fuck, huh? WHY ARE YOU TORMENTING ME?" America screamed. It didn't in the least bit affect Russia, though France was now getting worried for the young country, since he knew what Russia was capable of when provoked.

"Tormenting is such a large word for a simple-minded person as yourself. You should calm down America, before you fry your 'brain', that is, if you still have one." Russia stated calmly. America was speechless. This was too much for him. Way too much. He had to stop this, he had to.

"Russia.. What do you want?" America asked, letting his tiredness and stress come out in his words. This surprised Russia, who wanted to go on fighting for a little longer.

"I came to give you this Valentine's present, but it seems like i forgot to give it to you." Russia stated as he took a small box out of his coat pocket, giving it to America.

"Y-y-you came to g-give me a...gift?" America questioned, not believing an inch of what Russia had said. The European nation nodded his head, though America still had doubts.

"If this is a bomb, I will personally go to your country, and kick you hard in the crackerjacks." America remarked as he began to open the box. Taking a deep breath and hoping it wasn't a bomb, America opened the box to find a yellow scarf with a sunflower knitted on it. Once again America was speechless.

"Well, what do you think, comrade?" Russia asked.

"U-uh.. It's great.. Really. Um... Thank you Russia." America said, his mind blown into tiny pieces. Russia got him a..gift? Russia got him a gift? But, Russia was creepy and he didn't like him... So, why did Russia give him a gift?

"Is this a trick or something?" America asked, suspicious.

"No comrade. As much fun as that would be, I knew you wouldn't be getting any gifts, so I put it upon myself to give you one. Happy Valentine's Day comrade." Russia explained, causing America to sigh.

It was time...

"Russia.. Stay put for a sec, okay?" America said, not waiting for an answer. He ran out the room, and down the hallway, until he stopped in front of a room at the end of the hall. He entered and began to frantically search for something. After what seemed like ten minutes, America found a medium sized box with holes poked into the top. Gathering up a gallon of courage, America 'traveled' back to his room, where he found Russia, now sitting on his bed.

"R-russia... This is for y-you." America said quietly, giving Russia the box. Casting away suspicion, Russia opened the box and his eyes widen in surprise. In the box, were...

"Sunflower transplants.. For me?" Russia said. America silently nodded, feeling extremely embarrassed on the inside.

"I knew you weren't able to grow sunflowers in the soil of your country, so I kinda grew some for you..." America explained, he voice becoming slightly higher from all of his embarrassment.

"Thank you comrade.." Russia said, still very surprised. He now knew it was time to go. He had his fun, now it was time for his rival to catch his breath.

"I am leaving.. As you Americans say 'Catch you later.' Russia announced, leaving the room and America in shock. When Russia had left the house and was out of sight, America came back to focus.

"What the fuck just happened?"

Nobody remembered that France was still on the line, listening to everything the two had said...

_"Ohonhonhon~. This will be exciting news to tell everyone~!"_

**Author's Note:**

> PREVIOUS and UNEDITED END NOTES (from a long while ago):
> 
> What did you guys think? I know it's like, MONTHS after Valentine's Day, but I HAD to make this fanfic... And before RusAme and UsUk fans start coming up and ask me what I was trying to ship... I just want to say: Please don't hurt me! I have family in your country! XD And that I'm not sure myself...
> 
> Now, could ya do me a favor and write up a lit'le review? :3


End file.
